you know...we humans don't like change

I knew this to be true, fully appreciated the fact, yet purposely ignored it until it came to change in my own life. Change comes whether we want it to or not, whether we are prepared for it or not. People say change is the only thing that's constant. I believe it's true.

Yet as much as I abhor change sometimes, I am dead without it. If I am not growing (i.e. changing) then I am stale, stagnant, lifeless. And what I want more than anything is to be alive. To be alive in Christ is the ultimate goal.

So what does this have to do with moving? Everything. It's a chance to start over by forming good habits, or to repeat the bad. It's a change in scenery, people, bed comfiness (I assume because my bed right now has to be like sleeping on a cloud in heaven it's that good). So here I've been neglecting to pack for weeks. Not excited by change you might say. I've pretty much dug in my feet to all but kick and scream at the prospect. Even now I'm procrastinating because I just can't bear to pack up another box of my life and put it in storage for an undetermined amount of time. Because the books, the cds, the photo albums. These are my life...to an extent. Or a reminder of life lived before that I want to desperately hold on to and remember as something more exciting than what I live now.

And sometimes I just want to say, "God, can I really be this desperate for You? Not for this 'life'?" Why is it that I always settle for the lesser joys wrapped up in a couch cushion or a metal spoon placed in the drawer so that I always know where to find it? When did I become content with napkins in napkin holders and dirty dishes in the sink? Really, when did I prefer the ordinary to the extraordinary? How and why and when did this happen to me? To me the girl who swore never to settle down but to dash off all over the world and immerse herself in every new and exciting part of culture that she could find. When did that girl become content with coming home every night and falling asleep? Is this what being an adult means? I want to want the excitement of the extraordinary again.

The beginning

So I wonder if we really believe God? Just tonight I thought, what if there isn't a God? And then I prayed that God would help my unbelief. Sometimes it's scary to admit that there is the Other that is a bit mysterious, a lot uncontrollable, and Someone who is too amazing for words when I actually think about Him.

I take comfort in the fact that what I believe about God, or if I choose to believe at all, does not change the fact that He is. He is not changed by my doubts or my assumptions about Him. My theology doesn't change Him, nor does my theology or the differing theologies of my friends change who He is...are we all just grasping at straws?

How, just really how, do our lives change if we claim to know Him, to follow Him? Do we reflect Him? Are our faces really glowing with His glory? As Beth Moore says, "Do we make people hungry for God?" This question has challenged me for days. It's easier for me to drown in my quasi-depressed sadness and make the world think that life must royally suck for me. It doesn't. My life is fine. Would my life be fine if I were suffering? Would that make me happier? Undoubtedly, no. But I continue to feel like I am owed something that I must not think I do not receive. Otherwise, joy unspeakable would occur....wouldn't it?

What is holiness? What does it look like when you try it on? Is it solving the problems of poverty, hunger, world peace? When will we realise that world peace, world glorified, will not occur while the world is still cursed. Yes, I gladly want to share a cool glass of water and a warm sweater, but the point, ah, we can't miss the point behind the shared physical needs. The soul. The heart. The life coming alive. The most eternal part of the human. The body won't live forever, no one's does. So why do we hold back the most precious gospel, the most precious jewel--God. Do we comprehend the depths of His love? We don't understand or appreciate sacrifice so we doubt it's power and validity.