Ahh...this again
Life seems to repeat itself over and over again. Or maybe that's just because when it comes to the process of sanctification, God has to continually break down our disillusionments of Him over and over and...well you get the picture.
Sometimes, no, make that all the time, the deepest desire of my heart is to "get it." I am so frustrated at my lack of ability, faith, trust, whatever, does not allow me to get it. Why can't I not only simply believe that God loves me, but believe it, breathe it, live it in such a way that it rocks my world. Would I then be transformed? Radically love people? Die to self daily? Live in constant gratitude of God's great mercy and grace for me?
Sometimes all I want to be is everything I'm not. I'm not okay with being me. I don't really know why that is. But I constantly find myself wishing I could be someone else. I wish I could be happier or live on the surface, instead of drowning in introspection and analysis and self-loathing. I know this is not freedom. I know it's not God's will. I just wish that the process was done now. I wish I was transformed right this very second and actually looked like Christ in my whole being. I wish that I had genuine love for God.
I don't despise this desperation because I know it is the first step towards being drawn closer to God. I know that disillusionment with God and religion and spirituality and Christianity and tradition and anything else you can think of is ultimately good for me because God can finally break out of the boxes I place Him in while I try to wrap my mind around who He actually is.
Just this morning when I wished that I could just experience God in an upbeat funky atmosphere, or be surrounded by people who eat, live, breathe, and speak God every second of the day, He asked me if I would rather put rules on my relationship with Him or define how I can relate to Him by what I think is better because of an emotional experience. Of course not, I thought. In my friendships with other people I don't get myself in a bind of how we relate. We just do. I don't know why I always think it has to be so different or complicated with God. He's the most perfect friend I could ever have. He doesn't want me to place presumptuous boundaries on my relationship with Him or anything that would keep me from being close to Him.
Oh God deliver me please.
Candi Pearson-Shelton wrote a song called "Glory Revealed" based on this scripture:
Isaiah 40: 1-3
3 A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD [a] ;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God. [b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken."
God I pray that Your glory will be revealed in even one such as me.
Sometimes, no, make that all the time, the deepest desire of my heart is to "get it." I am so frustrated at my lack of ability, faith, trust, whatever, does not allow me to get it. Why can't I not only simply believe that God loves me, but believe it, breathe it, live it in such a way that it rocks my world. Would I then be transformed? Radically love people? Die to self daily? Live in constant gratitude of God's great mercy and grace for me?
Sometimes all I want to be is everything I'm not. I'm not okay with being me. I don't really know why that is. But I constantly find myself wishing I could be someone else. I wish I could be happier or live on the surface, instead of drowning in introspection and analysis and self-loathing. I know this is not freedom. I know it's not God's will. I just wish that the process was done now. I wish I was transformed right this very second and actually looked like Christ in my whole being. I wish that I had genuine love for God.
I don't despise this desperation because I know it is the first step towards being drawn closer to God. I know that disillusionment with God and religion and spirituality and Christianity and tradition and anything else you can think of is ultimately good for me because God can finally break out of the boxes I place Him in while I try to wrap my mind around who He actually is.
Just this morning when I wished that I could just experience God in an upbeat funky atmosphere, or be surrounded by people who eat, live, breathe, and speak God every second of the day, He asked me if I would rather put rules on my relationship with Him or define how I can relate to Him by what I think is better because of an emotional experience. Of course not, I thought. In my friendships with other people I don't get myself in a bind of how we relate. We just do. I don't know why I always think it has to be so different or complicated with God. He's the most perfect friend I could ever have. He doesn't want me to place presumptuous boundaries on my relationship with Him or anything that would keep me from being close to Him.
Oh God deliver me please.
Candi Pearson-Shelton wrote a song called "Glory Revealed" based on this scripture:
Isaiah 40: 1-3
3 A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD [a] ;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God. [b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken."
God I pray that Your glory will be revealed in even one such as me.
posted by Karen | 6:10 AM
2 Comments:
You know, I think lots of us struggle with the same thing (wishing we were someone a little different from who we are).
I was flipping back through that "What Now?" book last night, and I stumbled across this quote:
"NO ONE CAN BE YOU BUT YOU. Stop trying to be someone you were never intended to be and begin enjoying who God designed you to be." It goes on to say, "It is somewhat offensive to God and an embarrassment to yourself to discount His perfect creation."
I don't think that the quote says anything we don't already know with our heads, but sometimes hearing it in a different way can help us believe it with our hearts.
Love you!
Karen,
I really relate to your struggles!
I saw that you called, and I haven't had the chance to call you back yet...but hopefully sometime this week!
It will be good to talk to you for longer than 6 minutes. :-)
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