Victory indeed

I've been keeping a prayer journal recently. I want to not only get back into the habit of journaling prayers and thoughts, but I want to have a tangible record of when and how God has proved Himself faithful by answering my prayers. I also want to encourage myself in the days to come to look back and see how God has been faithful. I think that we need constant reminding to look at the ways God has been faithful to us. It's far too easy to forget His faithfulness in the midst of a crisis or struggle. So, if I keep a record, not only do I have proof in black and white that God is faithful, it's even more personal because I can see how God has been faithful to ME! For some reason, this is very necessary for my life.

Anyways, so in His usual fashion, God has been answering prayers. The prayers have gone something like this: "God please show me the areas of sin in my life that keep me from having a close relationship with you." Sounds great right? Of course it is! That is, before God actually answers the prayer and shows you your sin. I've found that it's always easiest to pray sincerely in a moment of clarity that God will do whatever it takes to draw me closer to Him. And I say the prayer and walk away feeling like the action of saying the prayer is bringing me one step closer to "getting it."

And then I'll wake up one morning, like yesterday, and feel the weight of my sin revealed to me hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, praise God, He is faithful. He did answer. Bit by bit, He's been showing me the thoughts and attitudes of my heart that need to be changed. I've been reading Revolution of Character by Dallas Willard, and he talks about the grace of God in not letting us see the full picture of the utter mess that we are. If we did see the whole of our sinfulness all at once, our hearts would surely grow cold.

My reaction: At first, I wanted to fall back into that old habit of what Willard calls self-rejection. Self sees sin, self feels remorse and guilt, self beats self up and falls into despair. I realized that this process is not the road to forgiveness and redepmtion and freedom. It is human nature to reject ourselves. But this is not love!

I used to think and believe that in order for repentance to be sincere, one must put on that sackloth and ash and sit in the dust for days or weeks or even months! I found it hard to believe that God could just forgive me *snap* "like that" and that He would choose to remember my sin no more the very moment I confess it.

This seems like such a basic, elementary part of Christianity. But, in my 20 years of being a Christian, I never got this. I still don't completely "get it" right now. But maybe this part of freedom is not assumed to be so clear in the first moment the salvation choice was made. I'm choosing to have grace for myself in this moment and not look back to the past and try to figure out where I went wrong or when I chose to believe something that wasn't God's truth.

Anyways, moving forward. So the new reaction to recognized sin is straightaway confession and repentance to God. Lay it down at the Cross and forget about it. Because God has. Yes, I still bear in my physical body the consequences of my choices and my sin. And sometimes it's not as easy to perceive the consequences of sin that is a wrong attitude or a wrong belief (maybe it's evidenced in strained or broken relationships with others?). Regardless, there should be freedom. There should be relief in our conscience that our sin is forgiven. I know that some sin requires we make restitution, and those actions still must be taken to make things right. But we should not accuse or condemn ourselves over our sin.

And I thought of this verse in a whole new way: (NIV)

John 3:19This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence 20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

The context of this verse talks about loving not just through words but through action and truth. But I also thought of this verse because it says to me that we can expect our hearts to condemn us. As thought it is a regular occurrence to be aware of as it says "whenever our hearts condemn us." And the part that spoke most fervently to me is that God is greater than our hearts. He knows our motivation. He knows what's going on in our hearts. And He is there to give grace and mercy when we are unable to extend those to ourselves. This is victory indeed.

Wars and rumors of wars

You know. I know. Nothing for months, and now all these thoughts? I can't help it. I just gotta write when the mood strikes.

Anyways, we've been doing the Beth Moore study of Daniel at church. It's been really good. I've learned new things, and I've had old truths confirmed.

I've been talking with some friends in the past few days about the deplorable state of our nation. Yes, deplorable. The moment you think that everything is fine, well, take a closer look. I won't get into politics or debatable issues here. My intent is not to focus on these.

The closer I get to God, however, I'm reminded more and more that the whole point of this life, the whole reason I'm here, you're here, any of us are here is to love Him. Is to know Him. Is to have sweet fellowship with Him. And out of that overflow of life within us, to love others. To know others. And to be a witness of Christ's love to others.

That's it. Period. We're not supposed to change the world (only God can do that anyways) nor are we supposed to worry about the end.

Here is truth: (All Scripture quoted is NIV)

Matthew 24:5For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ,[a]' and will deceive many. 6You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places.

Okay. So we know the end is inevitable. It's going to come eventually. There's nothing we can do to stop God's will from being accomplished.

Isaiah 55:10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

However, while here, we also have a responsibility to stand for truth. To seek God's truth. And also this.

Micah 6:8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

We are to act justly and love mercy. To act justly is to stand for those who are oppressed, the poor, the downtrodden, the widows, the orphans. It is to seek justice where justice is not found. Okay. Yes, we have it.

But at the end of the day. Our biggest motivator is still: pray without ceasing. Love the people of the world. Show God's love. When evil men prosper or evil seems to abound (as it will more and more in these last days), it's easier to hate those people. To let our righteous anger build up towards wicked humanity that the only cry of our heart is: Punish them Lord!

But slow down. Don't forget. The enemy is our enemy. People are not our enemy. The enemy uses people for evil. Those people who do evil are trapped, bound, decieved. They are serving a heartless god that hates them--and they don't know it. That's why we are here to love them and to pray for them. To pray for their good, not their evil. To pray for their redemption and salvation. Everyone experiences the consequences of their actions and we need to require justice for wrongdoing. But mercy on the soul is always a must, I think.

And if we believe that the soul is eternal, and therefore, the first of importance to consider, then we should live like salvation of the eternal soul is most important. I'm not saying we don't feed, clothe, and give shelter to those who are in need, nor do we turn a blind eye when injustice is rampant. I'm saying, don't forget your purpose. Don't forget eternity. Don't get so caught up in providing for temporal needs or fixes that you forget only the soul lives forever.

To close. This passage focuses on the little children that Jesus encountered of whom the disciples did not feel it worthy to extend salvation. But I think the bigger ramifications is for all of us. That the Father is not willing that any of His creation remain lost to Him.

Matthew 18: 12"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.

And this is why we live our life. Why we remain true to our God, true to His calling.

Not coincidence...

Wow, two blog posts in the same month. What is the world coming to?

So continuing to go off of my whole "I love the wilderness" epiphany from the other day, I listened to one of my favorite songs by Jars of Clay on my way to work today. This is from their "Eleventh Hour" CD. I highly recommend this entire CD.

Anyways, the song:

"Silence"

Take
Take till there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break
Scattered pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?
Where are you?

Did you leave me unbreakable?
You leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
And I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On an empty beach of faith
Was it true?

Cuz I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?

Scream
Deeper I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
Cuz I...I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone

And I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Yeah....yeah
And where...I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you

I remember first listening to this CD when I was in Belfast doing my DTS with YWAM. I had a good friend named Paul who was going through a wilderness period. Maybe his first ever. He let me borrow this CD because it spoke to him about his time of silence. I definitely found solace in these words as well. I could relate because I had recently gone through my own first major wilderness.

The times of praying to God and hearing nothing. The tears--many. The questions. Why me? What did I do wrong?
The pleading. Please don't leave me God, I need You.

Ah--the point. The point of the wilderness is for us to recognize the deep significance of those three little words--I need You.

So if you have known God for a little time or for a long time, know that your times of quiet, silence, solitude; the times when you think God is not listening--maybe that He's not even there anymore. Well, remember that the wilderness is okay. It's normal. It's necessary to draw us back to God. And, oftentimes, it is proof that God is actually indeed working in our life. He's taking us to the next stage. He's calling us to truly cast off the "stuff" and only be left with our desire, our need for Him.

In Him is life. When you come away from all that you've made life to be. When you find yourself consumed with work, school, realtionships, stuff, money, power, etc. Look for your real life. It's in Him.

John 1:3Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4In him was life, and that life was the light of men.

This place again...

I feel like my whole life has been returning to this place. This place being the desert, a wilderness, the time of silence and contemplation. What I feel right now is quiet, silence, calm. I'm not used to this. I tell you it's completely opposite of my frantic nature. I'd rather be busy. I'd rather be running. I'd rather let the noise be deafening so I'm not faced with the reality of my God.

But right now I'm quiet. I'm tired, actually. Exhausted. From the running perhaps? Or the striving? The drivenness?

My nature has been, time and time again: Run. Get out while you can. You've been here for too long. Is this something I'll deal with every day of my life? I've been here now for four years, and that familiar bug is biting. It's time to move on. Don't really get too close or you might have to settle.

I don't like settling. There's something unnerving for me to be in the same place for longer than a few years. It's not actually that I grow tired of the place or the people. I just love the thrill of something new. Something undiscovered or challenging.

Perhaps that's why I've decided to pursue a career now. Only God knows. The one thing I really can't stand is to live life without purpose. Now, I do know enough to remind myself that purpose cannot be relegated to busyness or action or what we do. Because then, do we stop existing or having purpose when we are at rest and not "doing" something?

A friend said, "Passion is not the goal, it is the by-product." I know God has been silently reiterating to me for the past 10 years of my life, it seems, just be. Be still and know that I am God. Well what if what I am is unacceptable to me or to others? Then what?

And God says, but you are acceptable to me because I love you and make you worthy because of my love.

Okay, okay. I hear you. But I don't "get it." For whatever reason, this truth has not come inside and revolutionized my life yet. But I'm getting there.

A beautiful friend of mine recently visited Botswana. She was surprised to find the country full of life. She described it as dry, a wilderness. Yet, she called it beautiful. A place where life thrives.

I seem to find myself in this wilderness again. Dry, lackluster, unenthused, unexcited. Why do I assume that God only wants me for my moments of thrill and excitement and emotionally-charged passion? Why do I assume that in order for my life to grow that it always must look like a well-watered garden? Can there be life in the desert?

I randomly searched Biblegateway.com and here's a verse that struck me in a new way:

Isaiah 40:3 A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD [a] ;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God. [b]

4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.

What if. What if God dwells more closely to His people and the ones He is pursuing when they are in the desert? We know that Jesus came to save that which was lost. Well, how can we be lost if not in the wilderness? When we are on the mountaintop, how do we perceive our need for God?

Could this be why I find myself in this dry place over and over again? Could it actually be that God leads me into the wilderness so that He can pursue me with His lavish love. Making me thirsty time and time again so that I will look away from the glamour of the luscious garden where I feed on the goodness of God without constantly renewing my desperateness for Him.

Oh God. I praise You for the desert. I never thought I'd say that. Thank You for the wilderness. Thank You for leading me away from the glam so that I see my brokeness again and again and again. To me, the wilderness is a welcome friend now, because it leads me back to You.