I need to weep and pray

The epitome of America's self-reliance is that in the wake of this "crisis" is that now our choices are between living a life of extravagance or simplicity--and we are "suffering" because of it. When did the wealthy get the right to complain that they can't afford Starbucks or 200+ channels of Cable TV anymore when there are thousands, maybe millions of people in the world not eating ANYTHING every day. Where are our priorities? I count myself in this judgment. I am guilty of not caring, not giving, not considering, idolizing myself, my wealth, and my comfort. I am so SICK of my sin! I'm tired of not caring. I'm disheartened that even as I write this diatribe towards myself and my country that I'm probably still going to plod along day after day, living for myself, seeking my own pleasure, and being content that at least I have food every day and can stay warm under piles of blankets on a soft bed.

God I need you to change my heart because I cannot do it. Clearly I'm more wedded to the ideas of creature comforts than I am to suffering. Please burn in my heart and soul your holiness because I do not want to gain the whole world and lose my soul.

2 Chronicles 7:14 "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

God, I pray that this will be our prayer. But that the healing of our land will not be the provision of our comfort. You provide every good thing we need, but what we need the most is Your salvation. We need You because without You we are nothing, have nothing, and even if we live a health 80+ years well-fed and well-entertained, if we're not living for You, there's no reason to live. It will all amount to nothing in the end.

How Ironic

In the wake of the "financial crisis" and what seems to be the end of our world as we know it, well, at least according to those whose god is their money, I find it interesting that some in the Christian community would even enter into this fray and seemingly encourage this disparate dependence on money.

One magazine whose email updates I receive had this as a header for their most recent email: "Pastoral Strategy for an Economic Crisis." I do not take lightly that many people are experiencing discomfort and fear for their livelihood and their provision and may be looking to pastoral staff for comfort. But as a Christian who is supposed to depend on God for every good thing as well as being content whether in plenty or in want, how can I rightly reconcile the idea that because the pillars of our financial world may be crumbling that I somehow have good reason to despair and lose all hope? God forgive me if I do. Forgive us when we do.

Is our trust in God or in money? As an American citizen, I confess that I have not known hard times, so it seems easy to be passionately devoted to God when I'm still receiving my daily bread. But, as a traveler to some of the poorest parts of the world, I've also seen God's hand move in miraculous ways so that, even though I may not perceive His miraculous provision on a day-to-day basis, I cannot deny that He is able and willing to provide miraculously. However, my tendency, and I fear the tendency for a lot of other western Christians, is that we are so reliant on our own power to provide for ourselves that we forget that it is God who supplies all our need (Philippians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."). The job we have, the paycheck we earn, the food we receive--no matter the physical source that we receive these things from, they have not passed through earthly hands without prior approval from our Heavenly King.

Whatever happened to these pillars of our faith?

Philippians 4:11-13 "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Proverbs 10:3 "The LORD does not let the righteous go hungry but he thwarts the craving of the wicked."

Matthew 6:25-33 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

The challenge remains this then: Where is our trust?

Matthew 10:27-28 "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell."

Are we only living for today? Are we truly pilgrims on this earth or have we become earthly dwellers?

Colossians 3:1-3 "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."

Where is your treasure? Where is mine?

Matthew 6:20-21 "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Lord, please let my heart be with You.

When Passion Dies

What does one do when passion dies? I'm not talking of romantic love or emotion for emotion's sake. I'm talking about an interior appreciation for beauty and life that runs deeper than emotion. What does one do when the heart seems dead. It only beats to keep the physical body alive, but without the beating heart of the soul, does it matter that the physical body is alive?

Where does love of love originate? How can we sustain imperfect love, human love, by our own devices? Do we even know how to love, truly, madly, deeply, as the song goes.

When life has no color, no vibe, no brilliance, does one label that depression? Do we fix it with chemicals?

When the soul is in anguish, and the heart has been twisted and torked beyond recognition, from where does new life appear? Is this sacrifice? Is this brokenness? Am I cleansed yet? Is my faith genuine?

When I've gone to depths that are deeper than the deepest of deeps, will I find my salvation? Will I rise on the wings of glory? Will I find purpose for the pain?

Does the flower that is crushed perceive the beauty and fragrance that is evidence of its demise? Does it recognize and appreciate what it gave and refuse to think about what it lost?

And yet, I'm forced to turn again and again towards the One who has crushed me. Because, even though He has broken and stripped me and torn from me all that was me, all that was not Him, as I asked and as He willed, I have no other place to turn. There is no other one I would choose, no other lover that would satisfy. I am in desperate need of Him and broken dejection by Him in the same breath. How can this be?

I did not know that the roots of my flesh went so deep that for healing to come all of me would be utterly torn apart, rent in two.

This verse takes on a whole new meaning to me: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account." Hebrews 4:12-13

Jesus is the word. I am being divided. I'm being found wanting. I am being judged. I am left in desperation for Him who sees all.

"Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him" Job 13:15a

Do not fear those who kill the body...

So in the light of current political undercurrents and the constant issue of security and terrorism that has become a part of daily life not only for Americans but the whole world, it's very easy to fear that which we know must come but we still hesitate to embrace. Perhaps it's because we want life to continue as it is, imperfect as it may be. Perhaps we fear the unknown more than we trust God. As I read about those who scramble to liquify their assets, purchase property and start vegetable gardens in preparation of the proposed coming financial depression in our country, my heart is filled with dread. Then God reminded me of these verses:

Matthew 24:3As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. "Tell us," they said, "when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?" 4Jesus answered: "Watch out that no one deceives you. 5For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ,[a]' and will deceive many. 6You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8All these are the beginning of birth pains. 9"Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, 11and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

Certainly we are familiar with wars and rumors of wars. Certainly it's easy for us to believe that "the end" is on our very tails. Perhaps "the end" will come in my lifetime or the next. Who can imagine how much evil will exist before that day comes. But which day drives us, "the end" of our current lifestyle as the wealthy, blessed, free? The other end, the end described in verse 14 should provide a sense of eternal hope for those who trust in Jesus as their Savior. We cannot stop either end from coming as God's Word warns us.

When my heart constricts in thinking of these things, I try to remind myself that this life is not all there is anyways. Why am I worrying about tomorrow when all my tomorrows for eternity are already secured by the One who took hold of me?

Matthew 10:26"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 27What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. 28Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29Are not two sparrows sold for a penny[d]? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. 32"Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.

Even so Lord, come quickly.

The simple truth...

I was singing this song tonight, "Jesus, All for Jesus" by Robin Mark and it occurred to me how simple and plain the words of this song are, but how deep they cut into the hearts of all those who proclaim Christ as Lord. To say that everything we are, all that we have, our hopes, our ambitions, our dreams, our desires, these we surrender, these we place into His hands. I'm not sure I really grasp this or live this. Is all I am just for Jesus? Do I even know what it means? Do I experience it? Do I shun my pain, my trials, my struggles and seek for reprieve/relief only to find that in the midst of my pain and struggles, Jesus is there. More real and present than I could ever perceive when I am not struggling. Would I embrace my struggles all the more if I could really understand this awesome truth?

As I sang the refrain "For it's only in Your will that I am free" I think about all the stuff I get caught up in. The doubts, the fears, the sin, and the striving. And even the questions and the times I don't understand what God is doing, or I don't perceive that He's doing anything at all. How simple. It's only in His will that we are free. His good and perfect will that is above and beyond our comprehension. But it is beautiful. It is freeing. Even when we don't "get it"--we are still most free in His will.


"Jesus, All for Jesus"
By Robin Mark

Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.

For it's only in Your will that I am free,
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

Romans 8:15-27

15For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.[g] And by him we cry, "Abba,[h] Father." 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.


Father God for those who are groaning, for those who are struggling. For those who do not understand their own pain and cry out for You to move. For those who are tasting the trials of Christ so that their faith may be proven genuine. So that they may share in His glory. Father God please give them, please give me, the perseverance, the patience, the faith, the encouragement to press on. You have not deserted us, even in this that feels like the final hour, the absolute darkest of times. You have not abandoned us. May we know the sweetness of Your presence now that we are broken and may we perceive that Your hands that break us will put us back together in a more perfect way. Jesus, may all we be truly be for You. Amen.

Ahh...this again

Life seems to repeat itself over and over again. Or maybe that's just because when it comes to the process of sanctification, God has to continually break down our disillusionments of Him over and over and...well you get the picture.

Sometimes, no, make that all the time, the deepest desire of my heart is to "get it." I am so frustrated at my lack of ability, faith, trust, whatever, does not allow me to get it. Why can't I not only simply believe that God loves me, but believe it, breathe it, live it in such a way that it rocks my world. Would I then be transformed? Radically love people? Die to self daily? Live in constant gratitude of God's great mercy and grace for me?

Sometimes all I want to be is everything I'm not. I'm not okay with being me. I don't really know why that is. But I constantly find myself wishing I could be someone else. I wish I could be happier or live on the surface, instead of drowning in introspection and analysis and self-loathing. I know this is not freedom. I know it's not God's will. I just wish that the process was done now. I wish I was transformed right this very second and actually looked like Christ in my whole being. I wish that I had genuine love for God.

I don't despise this desperation because I know it is the first step towards being drawn closer to God. I know that disillusionment with God and religion and spirituality and Christianity and tradition and anything else you can think of is ultimately good for me because God can finally break out of the boxes I place Him in while I try to wrap my mind around who He actually is.

Just this morning when I wished that I could just experience God in an upbeat funky atmosphere, or be surrounded by people who eat, live, breathe, and speak God every second of the day, He asked me if I would rather put rules on my relationship with Him or define how I can relate to Him by what I think is better because of an emotional experience. Of course not, I thought. In my friendships with other people I don't get myself in a bind of how we relate. We just do. I don't know why I always think it has to be so different or complicated with God. He's the most perfect friend I could ever have. He doesn't want me to place presumptuous boundaries on my relationship with Him or anything that would keep me from being close to Him.

Oh God deliver me please.

Candi Pearson-Shelton wrote a song called "Glory Revealed" based on this scripture:

Isaiah 40: 1-3

3 A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD [a] ;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God. [b]

4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.

5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

God I pray that Your glory will be revealed in even one such as me.

Victory indeed

I've been keeping a prayer journal recently. I want to not only get back into the habit of journaling prayers and thoughts, but I want to have a tangible record of when and how God has proved Himself faithful by answering my prayers. I also want to encourage myself in the days to come to look back and see how God has been faithful. I think that we need constant reminding to look at the ways God has been faithful to us. It's far too easy to forget His faithfulness in the midst of a crisis or struggle. So, if I keep a record, not only do I have proof in black and white that God is faithful, it's even more personal because I can see how God has been faithful to ME! For some reason, this is very necessary for my life.

Anyways, so in His usual fashion, God has been answering prayers. The prayers have gone something like this: "God please show me the areas of sin in my life that keep me from having a close relationship with you." Sounds great right? Of course it is! That is, before God actually answers the prayer and shows you your sin. I've found that it's always easiest to pray sincerely in a moment of clarity that God will do whatever it takes to draw me closer to Him. And I say the prayer and walk away feeling like the action of saying the prayer is bringing me one step closer to "getting it."

And then I'll wake up one morning, like yesterday, and feel the weight of my sin revealed to me hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, praise God, He is faithful. He did answer. Bit by bit, He's been showing me the thoughts and attitudes of my heart that need to be changed. I've been reading Revolution of Character by Dallas Willard, and he talks about the grace of God in not letting us see the full picture of the utter mess that we are. If we did see the whole of our sinfulness all at once, our hearts would surely grow cold.

My reaction: At first, I wanted to fall back into that old habit of what Willard calls self-rejection. Self sees sin, self feels remorse and guilt, self beats self up and falls into despair. I realized that this process is not the road to forgiveness and redepmtion and freedom. It is human nature to reject ourselves. But this is not love!

I used to think and believe that in order for repentance to be sincere, one must put on that sackloth and ash and sit in the dust for days or weeks or even months! I found it hard to believe that God could just forgive me *snap* "like that" and that He would choose to remember my sin no more the very moment I confess it.

This seems like such a basic, elementary part of Christianity. But, in my 20 years of being a Christian, I never got this. I still don't completely "get it" right now. But maybe this part of freedom is not assumed to be so clear in the first moment the salvation choice was made. I'm choosing to have grace for myself in this moment and not look back to the past and try to figure out where I went wrong or when I chose to believe something that wasn't God's truth.

Anyways, moving forward. So the new reaction to recognized sin is straightaway confession and repentance to God. Lay it down at the Cross and forget about it. Because God has. Yes, I still bear in my physical body the consequences of my choices and my sin. And sometimes it's not as easy to perceive the consequences of sin that is a wrong attitude or a wrong belief (maybe it's evidenced in strained or broken relationships with others?). Regardless, there should be freedom. There should be relief in our conscience that our sin is forgiven. I know that some sin requires we make restitution, and those actions still must be taken to make things right. But we should not accuse or condemn ourselves over our sin.

And I thought of this verse in a whole new way: (NIV)

John 3:19This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence 20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

The context of this verse talks about loving not just through words but through action and truth. But I also thought of this verse because it says to me that we can expect our hearts to condemn us. As thought it is a regular occurrence to be aware of as it says "whenever our hearts condemn us." And the part that spoke most fervently to me is that God is greater than our hearts. He knows our motivation. He knows what's going on in our hearts. And He is there to give grace and mercy when we are unable to extend those to ourselves. This is victory indeed.