This place again...
I feel like my whole life has been returning to this place. This place being the desert, a wilderness, the time of silence and contemplation. What I feel right now is quiet, silence, calm. I'm not used to this. I tell you it's completely opposite of my frantic nature. I'd rather be busy. I'd rather be running. I'd rather let the noise be deafening so I'm not faced with the reality of my God.
But right now I'm quiet. I'm tired, actually. Exhausted. From the running perhaps? Or the striving? The drivenness?
My nature has been, time and time again: Run. Get out while you can. You've been here for too long. Is this something I'll deal with every day of my life? I've been here now for four years, and that familiar bug is biting. It's time to move on. Don't really get too close or you might have to settle.
I don't like settling. There's something unnerving for me to be in the same place for longer than a few years. It's not actually that I grow tired of the place or the people. I just love the thrill of something new. Something undiscovered or challenging.
Perhaps that's why I've decided to pursue a career now. Only God knows. The one thing I really can't stand is to live life without purpose. Now, I do know enough to remind myself that purpose cannot be relegated to busyness or action or what we do. Because then, do we stop existing or having purpose when we are at rest and not "doing" something?
A friend said, "Passion is not the goal, it is the by-product." I know God has been silently reiterating to me for the past 10 years of my life, it seems, just be. Be still and know that I am God. Well what if what I am is unacceptable to me or to others? Then what?
And God says, but you are acceptable to me because I love you and make you worthy because of my love.
Okay, okay. I hear you. But I don't "get it." For whatever reason, this truth has not come inside and revolutionized my life yet. But I'm getting there.
A beautiful friend of mine recently visited Botswana. She was surprised to find the country full of life. She described it as dry, a wilderness. Yet, she called it beautiful. A place where life thrives.
I seem to find myself in this wilderness again. Dry, lackluster, unenthused, unexcited. Why do I assume that God only wants me for my moments of thrill and excitement and emotionally-charged passion? Why do I assume that in order for my life to grow that it always must look like a well-watered garden? Can there be life in the desert?
I randomly searched Biblegateway.com and here's a verse that struck me in a new way:
Isaiah 40:3 A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD [a] ;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God. [b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
What if. What if God dwells more closely to His people and the ones He is pursuing when they are in the desert? We know that Jesus came to save that which was lost. Well, how can we be lost if not in the wilderness? When we are on the mountaintop, how do we perceive our need for God?
Could this be why I find myself in this dry place over and over again? Could it actually be that God leads me into the wilderness so that He can pursue me with His lavish love. Making me thirsty time and time again so that I will look away from the glamour of the luscious garden where I feed on the goodness of God without constantly renewing my desperateness for Him.
Oh God. I praise You for the desert. I never thought I'd say that. Thank You for the wilderness. Thank You for leading me away from the glam so that I see my brokeness again and again and again. To me, the wilderness is a welcome friend now, because it leads me back to You.
But right now I'm quiet. I'm tired, actually. Exhausted. From the running perhaps? Or the striving? The drivenness?
My nature has been, time and time again: Run. Get out while you can. You've been here for too long. Is this something I'll deal with every day of my life? I've been here now for four years, and that familiar bug is biting. It's time to move on. Don't really get too close or you might have to settle.
I don't like settling. There's something unnerving for me to be in the same place for longer than a few years. It's not actually that I grow tired of the place or the people. I just love the thrill of something new. Something undiscovered or challenging.
Perhaps that's why I've decided to pursue a career now. Only God knows. The one thing I really can't stand is to live life without purpose. Now, I do know enough to remind myself that purpose cannot be relegated to busyness or action or what we do. Because then, do we stop existing or having purpose when we are at rest and not "doing" something?
A friend said, "Passion is not the goal, it is the by-product." I know God has been silently reiterating to me for the past 10 years of my life, it seems, just be. Be still and know that I am God. Well what if what I am is unacceptable to me or to others? Then what?
And God says, but you are acceptable to me because I love you and make you worthy because of my love.
Okay, okay. I hear you. But I don't "get it." For whatever reason, this truth has not come inside and revolutionized my life yet. But I'm getting there.
A beautiful friend of mine recently visited Botswana. She was surprised to find the country full of life. She described it as dry, a wilderness. Yet, she called it beautiful. A place where life thrives.
I seem to find myself in this wilderness again. Dry, lackluster, unenthused, unexcited. Why do I assume that God only wants me for my moments of thrill and excitement and emotionally-charged passion? Why do I assume that in order for my life to grow that it always must look like a well-watered garden? Can there be life in the desert?
I randomly searched Biblegateway.com and here's a verse that struck me in a new way:
Isaiah 40:3 A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD [a] ;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God. [b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
What if. What if God dwells more closely to His people and the ones He is pursuing when they are in the desert? We know that Jesus came to save that which was lost. Well, how can we be lost if not in the wilderness? When we are on the mountaintop, how do we perceive our need for God?
Could this be why I find myself in this dry place over and over again? Could it actually be that God leads me into the wilderness so that He can pursue me with His lavish love. Making me thirsty time and time again so that I will look away from the glamour of the luscious garden where I feed on the goodness of God without constantly renewing my desperateness for Him.
Oh God. I praise You for the desert. I never thought I'd say that. Thank You for the wilderness. Thank You for leading me away from the glam so that I see my brokeness again and again and again. To me, the wilderness is a welcome friend now, because it leads me back to You.
posted by Karen | 6:57 AM
1 Comments:
Hey Karen. You said, "And God says, but you are acceptable to me because I love you and make you worthy because of my love."
You know that I am nuts and have made many irrational decisions in my life. However, you know my heart and that I, like you, desire more than anything to have a life of purpose. With that said, you know that anything edifying or rational that I'd have to say is not from me, but from the wisdom of God IF what I say is good!
Therefore, I think you perhaps put your mind through a whirlwind when the truth is plainly there. What you stated -- what I quoted of you. And I belive there is a healthy balance that is rooted from a calmness you must get from letting the truth sink in. Your foundation is a solid one. Like Derek Webb said, "BELOVED! Do not let them tell you that you need anything but ME!" You pleasing God is just you being Karen. Decisions are hard, I know that. But whatever you decide, he will make a masterpiece out of. Don't you know that you are more precious than many sparrows? He is too perfect to let you slide through the cracks. Enjoy the stillness and do what you want. And rid yourself of the claw of human approval (including your own!). I think you are wise to openly ask counsel.
And by the way, I've programmed you to read Heb.12:1-3 at my wedding: Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.
You remind me of this verse and it is the final one to be read. I love you!!!
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