So when I started this journey...
The journey of life that is. Or, to be more specific, my life with God. I never knew what I was getting into, or really who God is or who I am in relation to Him.
So I find myself increasingly playing the game. My roommate used to tell me that I could talk a good game. And believe me, I can. I can convince anyone that I am the most solid person there is in my faith. But words are meaningless if there is no love. Hmm, 1 Corinthians 13 rings a bell there. Ah, the point the point.
The point is that I'm hungry and incredibly thirsty for God. And I don't even know it. In the inmost depths of me, whatever me is left, I want to know Him more than I know how to breathe. I don't want to sing songs on Sunday morning or pray prayers in groups of people. I want to worship with just being alive. That my songs are songs of love, not just songs.
A song that's been on my heart lately but I have yet to pound it out on the piano or guitar for fear that it will be something I play just to play is called "Holy Moment". The part that runs through my mind when I'm brushing my teeth or making my bed (in even these moments life can be holy) is the part that says, "As we come today we remind ourselves of what we do. That these songs are not just songs but signs of love for you. This is a holy moment now, something of heaven touches earth."
My goodness, can I just really believe it. Not just say I do, but really mean it. In my heart? To the point that life is not life if not God. Life is just a bunch of cells functioning if there is no God. If there is not love. If I can't hear Him, feel His heart beating, and know that He is. That's all. Not just to know, but to live it. To love it. To have it overtake every selfish thought and action that I have. To be so in love with God. I want to love God.
I don't know how.
Yes, I love the randomness. So, there are no conclusions right now because I always do that. I always come to the conclusions in my rational and logical mind and wrap it up in a small box with a red ribbon. Neat. Tidy. Not complicated. But not God.
I remember one time that I ran outside of my house at about 9:30pm, or somewhere close to that, the memory is a little vague on the details. But I ran outside and shouted at the top of my lungs, "I love you God!" That was all. To the stars. To the heavens. To God. Somewhere inside of me has to be that twelve year old girl who was not afraid to shout at the top of her lungs that she loved God so much and she didn't care who heard or what they thought. I hope she's still in there somewhere, trying to make the 24 year old girl-woman cast off her fetters and run after her Beloved with all her strength and find the joy in the sacrificial running.
So I find myself increasingly playing the game. My roommate used to tell me that I could talk a good game. And believe me, I can. I can convince anyone that I am the most solid person there is in my faith. But words are meaningless if there is no love. Hmm, 1 Corinthians 13 rings a bell there. Ah, the point the point.
The point is that I'm hungry and incredibly thirsty for God. And I don't even know it. In the inmost depths of me, whatever me is left, I want to know Him more than I know how to breathe. I don't want to sing songs on Sunday morning or pray prayers in groups of people. I want to worship with just being alive. That my songs are songs of love, not just songs.
A song that's been on my heart lately but I have yet to pound it out on the piano or guitar for fear that it will be something I play just to play is called "Holy Moment". The part that runs through my mind when I'm brushing my teeth or making my bed (in even these moments life can be holy) is the part that says, "As we come today we remind ourselves of what we do. That these songs are not just songs but signs of love for you. This is a holy moment now, something of heaven touches earth."
My goodness, can I just really believe it. Not just say I do, but really mean it. In my heart? To the point that life is not life if not God. Life is just a bunch of cells functioning if there is no God. If there is not love. If I can't hear Him, feel His heart beating, and know that He is. That's all. Not just to know, but to live it. To love it. To have it overtake every selfish thought and action that I have. To be so in love with God. I want to love God.
I don't know how.
Yes, I love the randomness. So, there are no conclusions right now because I always do that. I always come to the conclusions in my rational and logical mind and wrap it up in a small box with a red ribbon. Neat. Tidy. Not complicated. But not God.
I remember one time that I ran outside of my house at about 9:30pm, or somewhere close to that, the memory is a little vague on the details. But I ran outside and shouted at the top of my lungs, "I love you God!" That was all. To the stars. To the heavens. To God. Somewhere inside of me has to be that twelve year old girl who was not afraid to shout at the top of her lungs that she loved God so much and she didn't care who heard or what they thought. I hope she's still in there somewhere, trying to make the 24 year old girl-woman cast off her fetters and run after her Beloved with all her strength and find the joy in the sacrificial running.
posted by Karen | 6:34 PM
1 Comments:
I can't find your comment :(
Very insightful...I'm glad to see you writing your heart out.
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